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jasper’s journey preface, part ii

**Warning: The following post includes content not suitable for younger audiences. Viewer discretion advised:

For those of you interested in how my marathon training is going: It’s going “ok.” My Garmin 405 is not running and I would really like to figure out how to work it! It beeped once when I plugged it in and, since that time, no lights have come on at all ūüė¶ Nor is there any indication that the battery is actually charging. If you’ve got any suggestions, please let me know!

marathon training option

Right now I am sort-of overwhelmed with the¬†availability¬†of training schedule PDFs…when I think of it too much, I get freaked out over social medias impact on the world…yikesabee! Here is the actual training schedule that I have been following for the past five days since I began¬†training¬†on Tuesday ūüėÄ !

If you’ve got suggestions for how to mix it up (this¬†training¬†schedule is actually pretty mix-it-up-like ūüôā )

For the “Unhealthy Half-Marathon” Story…well here you have it:

March 2010

There I am, fourth from the left, and “beaming” with enthusiasm. Despite the big smile, I was very unhappy. I was at one of my highest¬†weights, mostly looking forward to my night binges as the only “relief,” “enjoyment” and “pleasure” in life, and utterly lost. My days consisted of facebook, phone calls to new “friends” in Reno, trying to hold a job at Starbucks and feeling completely disgusted with myself and others. Feeling caught in a disgusting a¬†viscous¬†cycle is no fun if you’ve been there.

March/April 2010

During January-April 2010, especially, I mainly focused my attention on trying to find a boyfriend (#fail) and trying to look attractive (##fail) … Around early January, I came up with the brilliant notion that I should “{eat as little as possible and, on¬†occasion, eat as much as I please then rid myself of the calories through self-induced vomiting}”

sadrunning2

By May 2010, I had lost nearly 50-60 pounds by starving myself throughout most of the days, painting them, sporadically, with large binges using pastries and Frappacinos from work.

sadjasper

I “thought” I was so happy but behind closed doors, I was vomiting my feelings and completely “ok” with my behavior. The bulimia was “working” for me because physical appearance were all that “mattered” to me. Sadly, my feelings of rejection and hopeless self-centered-ness, couple with loneliness and confusion kept me trapped.

sadrunning

This was the day before I ran my first (and only) half marathon. Looking at this pictures, now, I remember thinking “HOW FAT” I [was] when I saw the photo later that week. All along, I let “friends” and¬†acquaintances¬†ask why I “[had] lost so much weight” in a four month time frame…only to quickly change the subject or allow them to believe such a weight loss attributed to my half-marathon training. Really, I was starving my body of the nutrients it required and doing NO physical activity.

It does make me sad to think that I actually “thought” I was happy or that weight was the only part of me that “mattered.”

On the morning of the San Francisco Half Marathon, I’d not run more than 7 miles in my entire life (and that 7-miler had taken place in 1999!!) but I had to “pretend” like I had been training. After 2:05:00, I finished the race and felt “perfectly fine.” Looking back, I realize that it was all part of my delusional thinking in 2010. It did not matter how much or how little I ran, I was being unfair and cruel to my body and soul.

train!

It’s not a very pretty story! But there you have it ūüė¶ I really do hope that one day I can enjoy¬†exercise¬†(like I do, very much, today) as a healthy way of getting in touch with the blessing of moving my body!

And that’s what April 7th 2012 can and will be a celebration of!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ūüôā Have a happy Saturday!

One response

  1. Pingback: you may call it “gross!”…I call it “lunch!” «

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