discovering new facts about ourselves…discovering new facts about…ME
It has been an old practice of mine to cringe at comments others make about me. Some sort of hopeless and egocentric spirit stirring around in my soul makes it impossible for my brain to interpret peoples’ comments as anything other than NEGATIVE. Lately, I have REALLY wanted to BEGIN living in a different want. I want to plant NEW and better seed. I want OTHERS to feel comfortable (as I hope they, already, do) to make comments about me without inhibition.
I used to be so fun-loving and did not SEEM to care, at least, what others “thought” of me…but inside I was tormented. Really, I sought to reject others before they could “reject” me…when I ACTUALLY had NO IDEA what THEY were thinking. Operating as if I had some “super-power” that told me what others actually told me, I drove my seem deep into seemingly rootless depression and binge-eating, coupled with manic behavior that further isolated me from my peers. I feel sad to look back on how things were and to wonder “how things could have been…” Nonetheless, we all know that what’s done is done, eh?! It’s time for some new seeds!
As silly as THIS photo may seem, I felt “sillier” being the one behind the lens…
Sometimes I would get SO hyper that I felt out of control. Others with “normal” behavior noticed my out-of-control behavior and would make comments. I put “normal” in quotations, as this was my interpretation of the world around me: “Jasper=freak” … “everyone else=normal.” To an extent, much of my behavior did stem from abnormal and distorted perceptions I had, over time, developed about this world and it’s people. So years of painful work has helped me understand that I can discover who Jasper is and just because that might not be normal, I don’t need to experience PAIN every day just because I am me.
This photo was taking while I was stuck in this shameful (for me) yo-yo dieting, binge-eating, restricting, diet-failing, weird-exercising, etc. catch-22 hell…and I thought that I “had” to put on some happy face in order to be “accepted.” The truth is, people loved me – all the while – I kept myself trapped in a prison that was me judging others for “what they thought of me” and “how or what or why I [did] what I [did] or [needed to do]” in order to get them to “like/accept” me. Sounds miserable and futile, eh!?
THANKFULLY! The story is only the BEGINNING of a more healthy and fulfilled life that could be the story of “Jasper’s journey” … In fact, we’ll call this “the preface…of… ‘jasper’s journey'”