a time for change

This blog has been dormant for too long! In July of 2009 and once again in April/May 2011, I made half-hearted atttempts to keep my writing going! When will I REALLY hang in there for the long haul, I wonder? Perhaps my first task could be to brainstorm what kind of blog topics would INSPIRE me to write more often? Could I remark on books that I have been reading lately or could I focus more on my hobbies of photography or craft-making? The item that inspired THIS post was a recent jounral entry. In my very recent past, I have decided to confront very real and life-threatening disordered eating patterns. This is no secret to some of you and, perhaps, a complete surprise to others. Nonetheless, it’s a sad matter. Only tonight, when I had a physical impulse to eat when I did not “need to eat” (some of you may have heard this circumstance, before, called “eating your feelings”) I DID NOT act out of my impulse to eat. Rather, I sat at my pen and paper and prayed that God would reveal to me, buried however deep down inside, what I WAS FEELING. LO and BEHOLD He did! I WAS FEELING SAD REJECTED AND DISSAPOINTED! I asked a guy that I like if he wanted to go with me to see the Tanglewood lights and he totally ingored my question…what’s worse is, I texted the question to him so I am not only feeling rejected but embarrassed, too. Now “HOW IN THE WORLD?” -you normal eaters might ask- did feelings of rejection sadness and dissapointment lead me to a desire to eat? Or how did “feelings” lead me to try-and-convince-myself that I was hungry!!?? Well, that’s just IT! – The patterns of addictions are INSANE! And now that I have COMPLETELY rabbit-trailed-off from my original topic (what to write about, consistently, on my blog) I will tell you that I am thinking that writing HONEST and true stories that may otherwise find themselves forever-hidden-and-self-promised-to-be-taken-to-my-grave for ANYONE to see! God will get the glory for my failures and successes in blogging fashion y’all 🙂


PS. I might just go to see the lights anyway…or, if she still wants to hang out with me after my being rejected and all, Kathryn could come with me to see the lights! 🙂 

the lights!

7 responses

  1. Angela Diaz

    From someone with the same struggles…good for you for not giving into the temptation! At this point you are a much stronger person than I am. I am at the point of recognizing my issue after it has been eaten! I am learning tid bits of information as to how best deal with it when it arises but my good forgetter forgets when the time is right. So, kudos to you for at least recognizing and stopping rather than feeding.
    Thanks for including me in your email because it is stories like this that continue to remind me of strategies and hopefully break down my forgetter every day until one day I will remember to stop instead of looking back and wishing I had and feeling the regret!
    Rather than be upset about he rejection be thankful for the lesson and growth you experienced 🙂 Easier said than done I know but try to think about how much stronger you will be next time!

    December 1, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    • The GOOD NEWS is, Laurie always reminds me, that is takes a lot shorter time to UNLEARN all of the unhealthy patterns/behaviors than it took to LEARN them! Praise God! Love you Angela – Jasper

      December 1, 2011 at 6:48 pm

  2. my gravatar is supposed to be a different photo…ah well

    December 1, 2011 at 6:51 pm

  3. Everyone has issues with rejection, disappointment, etc. It’s how we deal with it that matters. I have been reading some good books recently. One of the more important concepts that I am trying to live out is that we don’t earn God’s love. There is nothing we can do to make God love us more. We can’t pray more or better. We can’t be nicer to mean pp, we can’t give more to the church, we can’t have less eating disorders, nothing. Nothing we do will make God love us more. (I am assuming we already are aware that nothing we can do can make God love us less.) This converse statement to the usual statement is slowly changing me. It means that we shouldn’t get mad at ourselves for not being amazing or slipping up or making a bad decision. We shouldn’t because God doesn’t. The point is not to never mess up, but to live up to what we have already attained. We have already attained God’s infinite and omnipotent love and grace. Own that. know that there is a reason that you can’t lose his love. Know that there is a reason that you don’t need to earn it. Because God made you with a beautiful heart full of love just waiting to be expressed, shared, and grown.

    How this is changing me: I know that I’m not the only one who has a perfect heart but messes up. I need to realize this about other pp. How can I be upset with someone when I know I have done something stupid in reaction to the same emotion. Because I know that I don’t earn more love for being a little bit better than someone else, it frees me from the thought of superiority. It frees me from guilt from inferiority. It frees me from envy because I have the same perfect heart that the hot, funny, smart chick standing next to me.

    God wants us to love as he does. He wants us to love without merit. Not forcing people to prove that they are good enough to earn our love, but loving them anyway. Not holding people accountable for things they have done or else we won’t love them. Love them reguardless. This goes the same for ourselves. We need to “cut the shit” and accept that loving others is important, but can’t fully be done unless we first love ourselves just as unconditionally.

    Jesus was a rabi that picked students who other rabis hadn’t wanted. Deciples of rabis were meant to be able to do everything that their rabi had been able to do which is shown when Jesus got the most frustrated when his deciples lost confidence in themselves. He also told his deciples to go and make everyone deciples which means that he believed that we ALL can do what he did. We all can love unconditionally. We ALL have the christ in us. We ALL are able to do this. Jesus believed in us. We need to believe in us.

    I believe in me.
    I believe in you, Jasper.

    December 1, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    • I think of you often, Callie, especially when I email when Jess and ALWAYS when God wants to warm my heart with the very fond memories of a season in my life when I was privileged to live in the room beside your room. Thank you for your words

      December 1, 2011 at 10:59 pm

  4. Rebecca Cornell

    I am so gateful for being included in this blog. I literally just found out some disturbing news that both saddened and worried me. One of the first thoughts that came to my head after I prossessed the information was that I am going to go get starbucks and pizza and eat whatever I want because of course it will hide the way I feel. I was quite literally just about to leave the computer and go do that and then I remembered I had this email and that it might have something in that will help or at the very least let me know more about you and It did both. I am so grateful for you and your spiritual power and I hope this will be a constant reminder for me. –Rebecca

    December 1, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    • Rebecca! I AM SO GRATEFUL to have even gotten to meet with you in person a couple of times and then meet with you each week via Skype! When I think of Reno and then women in our group that FEED me when we meet, my heart aches for wanting to be near you all. Also, it’s a bitter kind of sweet (bitter for the heartache) because I know that I’m where God wants me…even though I cannot just CALL you up to meet in Reno whenever! Thanks for taking the time to read, I cannot wait to see you tonight!

      December 1, 2011 at 11:02 pm

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